8.31.2009

Stoner logic, the "stoner code", and politics

Mr. President, Please Don’t Bogart the Blunt

Excerpt:

The left in our country is high. Completely stoned out of their minds.

Living and working in L.A., one encounters more stoners on the average day than they do illegal immigrants. I’ve worked with stoners. I’ve dated stoners. I’ve lived with stoners. I know stoners inside and out and I can tell you, without a doubt, that the Democrat Party is completely crunked.

Stoners always think that they are smarter than they really are. Copious amounts of THC trick the brain into thinking that the most banal thought is somehow a stroke of genius. Just watch a bunch of stoners debate philosophy and metaphysics. The most ridiculous comments take on the gravitas of a Stephen Hawking thesis. Morons think that they are Michio Kaku after a towering bong hit.

Stoners live for the moment. They are all about feelings, not facts. They possess a detached sense of cause and effect. I recall one specific episode when I came home and tore into my stoner roommate for not having his share of the rent. His solution to his lack of rent was simple. See, the real problem wasn’t his lack of money, but my reaction to it. I was far too stressed about the situation. What we should do, to solve the rent problem, was grab a couple of drinks at the Cafe Formosa on Santa Monica and then head over to Crazy Girls, a local gentleman’s club. After that excursion, I would calm down and stop harshing his gig over the unpaid rent.

Six Coronas and two lap dances later, I wasn’t as furious. We both felt better. To the stoner, everything was fixed. Problem solved! Unfortunately, the rent was still unpaid. My loser roommate still didn’t have a job

Stoners never emerge from their stupor. Part of being a true “wake and bake” stoner is the ability to remain faded. True stoners never snap out of it. I’ve dealt with coke heads and alcoholics, but stoners are a different breed. The alkie and the base head will go on their binge, then apologize profusely for their conduct; until, of course, the next time they go on a bender. The pot head always exists in a dream like world of cannabis induced euphoria. They do not see their drug addiction as a problem, but instead, as a heightened sense of being and awareness.

Lastly, stoners never have their own money. Remember those Chili’s leftovers you were planning on eating? How about those delicious Red Baron frozen pizzas? Chances are good that your stoner roommate ate your food while you were at work. Sure, they promise to “hook you up” as soon as they get a chance to go to Ralph’s, but it never happens. Stoners have a bizarre, communal logic that dictates that everything exists for the collective. Your pizza, your stash, your girlfriend all exist for the greater stoner good. To demand private ownership of anything is an offense to the “stoner code.”

With this in mind, how can one not see the recent doings in Washington as anything but massive cannabis abuse? Cash for clunkers? Stoner logic. Stimulus package? Stoner logic. Government run health care? Stoner logic. Cap and trade? Stoner logic.

I can picture Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer lying on a bean bag, listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and watching The Little Mermaid, dreaming up domestic and foreign policy. ”You know who those town hall protesters remind me of? Nazis, man. They’re freakin Nazis.” (Cough. Cough. Giggle. Giggle). “What if we give money to people to buy new cars and we smash their old cars?” ”Dude, that’s totally awesome, because we just watched Dude, Where’s My Car?”

You’d be hard pressed to find any other rational explanation for a large group of people who discard decades of historical evidence, common sense, and basic moral decency other than massive amounts of reefer.


Comment: The "weed" explains it!

3 comments:

  1. lmao really? i have to say if the left was always stoned then jeez things would be better, at least it's not as bad as the right that sits around and say okay we want less laws! and then the only laws they want less of are those regarding government control of corparations that don't give a shit about anything besides profit. and it was the right that got us into this problem in the first place...

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  2. I stand on the opposing end of your argument. As a member of the stoner class I find your generalization insulting. I am a highly educated individual in a respectable position who pays rent in advance with my own money. I have acquired a PhD in literature and philosophy and still in school for physics. Though it goes without saying there are people that smoke and behave as you say. However the actions of a small percentage should not reflect upon the rest of us. If such a generalization were placed on all classes due to a few unruly souls then Christians should be generalized as genocidal maniacs due to the actions of the very christian influenced Nazi party. The point I mean to convey is that if we were to only look at the negative actions of anything then everything would be no more than garbage.

    With that out of the way i would like to express my own stoner logic to you about policies. The government we have is flawed point blank. America is not the only country with issues so obviously other governments are flawed too. Why is that? No government will accept that it is flawed only that the others are and the world would be better if it was all under the same government. Sadly they are correct, but democracy is not that government, Communism is. Why? You ask me or That is Absurd! You say. A few facts I would like to get across. 1)no dictator communism has ever been viewed morally just. 2) those have been the only kinds of communism since Karl Marx suggested it. 3)by populous based ration communist countries are the happiest. So yea maybe what you know of communism wont work but a world wide communist government would. From each according to their ability, to each according to their need. doing the greatest good for the greatest number everyone counting as one. A single doctor would live in a studio apartment while a family of cashiers live in a three bed two bath home. both would have an adequate amount of food and transportation. this could only work world wide and there would need to be a governing group not person to oversee the needs and abilities are in order and would be appointed by their own ability to do such. currency would be obsolete, crime would go down(still existent people still get angry. no one would be homeless or without a job. seems almost like utopia except the governing class can still become corrupt just like any government and some people may not feel it is fair. who do you save five old people or one doctor? the five old people because everyone counts for one and you want the greatest good for the greatest number. problems would occur like if ten people needed an apple but there were only five apples who gets one? no one till everyone could have one so they would wait till there were ten apples. you may look at this and think that;s stupid or it would never work but is it worse than whats going on now? when there isn't enough money for a factory to stay open with its current staff what happens? lay offs then from lay off people loose their homes they have no money, no money means no spending no spending means companies have no profit and no profit leads back to lay offs. but i cant do all the thinking for you can i? need to let people think for themselves.

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  3. I agree with the comment above me in that you cannot classify us all as the same. Not all of us leech off of our friends, remain jobless, yet feel entitled to what others who work for their money have. Absolutely not true. I'm sorry that your friends turned out to be bad people. Cannabis is a spiritual tool, a recreational tool, and yes; if you're not careful it can take over your life. But the same can be said for just about any legal drug out there. Keep these things in mind before you decide to generalize people who are not necessarily alike in a whole group.
    And about your theories on the government being high... high people don't start wars with no clear end in sight. High people don't make their favorite substance illegal. And high people don't change history to support conservatism.
    Yes the government is flawed, no I don't think we need world-wide Communism (refer to comment above), the government does, however, need a more open mind. How is legalizing marijuana bad? Keeping your arguement in mind there will always be some shithead who makes us all look bad, like alcoholic junkies, antidepressant junkies... but in reality responsible use is possible and cannibis holds a lot of unexplored benifits no society: economical, medicinal, recreational, spiritual...

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